Elusive

A letter to the elusive

Lately as I sit around the house I have been thinking about you, happy with life as it is but wondering if you're the one thing I've been missing, then I realize your not something I can wait around for, as elusive as you are, I need to be constantly looking for you. Be sure that I don't fear you, I have been close, very close to finding you, only for you to escape again in some other creative way. It's as if karma has been keeping me from you, but I know it can only last so long, and then I'll find you and it will be the last and only thing I will ever need to be happier than I already am.

Only on certain occasions have I thought your existence wasn't important, but it only takes a quick walk around the park or a glance into a fancy restaurant to see your many forms appear before I am reminded again of your controlling nature. It is the only type of control that I will freely allow, because I know in your true form, nothing else matters and trust is the only way to keep you alive. There are a million ways to describe you but I am sure the best way will never need the assistance of words to explain why you exist.

Very often do I see people looking for you too, many times they think they have found you only to be let down and disappointed by your evil twin, the twin that pretends to be you only to get what it wants. It's terrible, it's makes life unbearable sometimes and I have seen many people fall because the search is just too much, you are hard to find, exhaustingly elusive but I know it is in the search for you that makes finding you so much more valuable and lasting. I tell those who cry for you to not give up, but I fear many have met your twin and simply don't believe you're there.

Every once in awhile someone comes by and I can see you in them, but as with the others, trying to find you has been hard, I am confused if you are really you or your twin and I know that this has blinded me from knowing the real you. I will not give up, there are many of us looking for you and you will be found. Some will find you before others and they will be the lucky ones, but I know, I hope that you will not be so elusive to everyone, some need you more than you will ever know, I know I myself am very close and hope I can help those who have almost given up. You will be found and I won't need anything else. Your everywhere but no where, Your all around but hard to see, you are on everyone's mind and in the beginning of every paragraph in a summer poem. You are elusive, but I welcome the challenge.

Effortless

The Effortless

Without a doubt, some of the most interesting things to have ever happened were never planned. It's easy to imagine things in life going perfectly as you had anticipated it, but we quickly learn early on that this notion is simply not the case. If we were to effortlessly pass a test or earn money or meet a special someone, we would be void of character. We would have lived our lives without ever knowing what challenge is and building the strength we need to get through the next one.

There are many things that are thrown our way that cannot be explained and it is our reaction to them that determines the outcome. But it is in these moments that we carve our character and make us the way we are and how we are to be remembered. To put it in perspective:

“Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.”

(Samuel Butler, 1835-1902)

Life is like playing a violin, each person you meet is yet another bit of advice at getting better, by the time we have grown up, we are masters, but it all depends on how we use the advice.

There are only a few things that are important, at least to a majority of people that I have met. Life is about growing up, it's about meeting people, it's about having friends and a loving family (by loving family I mean being raised by one and/or raising one). They also all have a phase of irresponsible and reckless decisions, but it is this phase that develops our ability to make decisions, forcing us to learn quickly about what makes us indeed happy or sad and what is truly important for our own success. To go through this phase effortlessly is to lose the ability to make truly good decisions. By the way my definition of a decision is one based off experience, not one you have been told is the right one to choose. Challenge builds who we are, it builds friendships, relationships and makes goals worth achieving.

The purpose of what I have been writing is that you can't focus on one particular event, a success or a failure to gauge how you have been living or the choices you have made. If you don't get a job, it doesn't always mean it was because you were a terrible candidate for it. If you develop a crush for someone and they don't share the same feeling, it doesn't mean your an unattractive person or you were not good enough for them. It is nonsense that I am familiar with and hear quite often. It's silly, one should never focus on any single action as the sum of all their efforts, it won't put things in the correct perspective. These are just experiences:

“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.”

-Vernon Sanders Law

Experience requires effort, it is impossible to know what life holds for you by sitting around waiting for things to happen. At the same time, you can't expect to gain more useful experience by working for as many jobs as possible or randomly hooking up as often as you think would make you cool. It's a silly mistake that is often made and rarely learned from, experience takes effort and effort takes time, so to know what truly makes you happy takes time. But.....

“Experience teaches only the teachable.”

-- Aldous Huxley (1894 – 1963)

So keep your minds open and make an effort.

To my friends, an unconditional condition

The unconditional condition

Its an unbearable truth that you often aren't able to appreciate things until they're gone. You never quite know how good something could have been until it's not there anymore. It's the bittersweet truth of many stories and moments in life. It's that moment, shortly after it's gone, when you suddenly lose your breath and realize that you love someone, or when you , out of nowhere, are overwhelmed by the fact that someone cared for you even more than you ever knew.

I woke up this morning (6 a.m.) to an impressive amount of text messages and emails from people I saw the night before and from people I haven't heard from in many years. One was from a good friend in Sweden I had emailed two years ago, she just now responded. Another was from my future landlord in Prague, just being as absolutely cool as possible. But one text message I received was from a special person whom I barely know, by that I mean I know her from one particular aspect, and that's it. The only reason I mention her is simply because I met many incredible people in my life, most of which I know will never see again. She is incredible, and I hope she is not one of those people. Life is meant to be enjoyed and she is meant to always be happy, this is how I view everyone whom I consider friends.

You all know me, I know there is nothing bad to be said about me, as I know there is nothing bad that can be said about all of you. There is a big moment in my life coming up, a new phase, new opportunities, new goals and new aspirations. I wrote in my journal when I was 8 years that I am going to change the world. I wonder if this is the time for that to happen? Life is to be enjoyed unconditionally, for the sake of simply knowing what is happiness and staying with the ones that care for you and being around the ones that make you happy.

You are my friends because I trust you as I know, that you know I have never given you a reason not to trust me, and it will stay that way.

You are my friends because you have a varied sense of humour, which I greatly appreciate.

You are my friends because I know, no matter what your past hides, I know it is not important, because we are friends and that stuff doesn't matter.

You are my friends because we have only good times, sure there are the humps we help each other through, but as I always say, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger, and we are strong.

As my future nears, I know there will be many things that will change, many of us may fall out of contact, maybe we won't ever see each other again, but be sure, you will never be forgotten.

I only ask one thing, one condition, live life unconditionally, the only obstacles in life are the ones we create for ourselves, nothing is impossible.

It is not important that I am the first person you remember, just as long as I am the last person you forget.

The old man and me

The old man and me

"Why do you live," I asked, "you are old and in pain". I gazed at the old man wondering what his reason was for being here. My curiosity wasn't to know when he would die, but to understand his purpose better, to see the things through his eyes that only someone of his age could describe properly.

"Son" he began " life isn't about knowing when you are going to die, it is about realizing what is important to you and holding on to them, cherishing the things that keep you happy." " If I could go back and talk to myself 50 years ago I would not tell myself to change a thing, but", he continued " I would explain to myself the importance of learning from your mistakes. Mistakes make us human, it is learning from them and not repeating them that helps us grow and makes us a better person."

"I understand old man", I confirmed, " so these problems you speak of, what am I to expect?" "Can I know what you know"

"That is not possible son", "Each person lives his life according to the choices they make. Guidance should not be given to those who want to live, they will find their own paths." The old man paused, taking in a breath of air, wheezing a bit, but ready to explain his reasoning. "Those who need guidance, need help, because they make the same mistake and need to be given ideas to help them out of the difficulties they have put themselves in."

"But old man" I interrupted "that does not seem fair to not give everyone advice, maybe it could help them one day, it could give them the opportunity they need to give them an advantage in life."

"That is a good point son, you are clever" he smiled," but you must know that those who want to live, do not need advice, they will find their own advantages in life, they will know what is good for them and those around them will take notice, it is just how it is."

As I sat there, pondering the thoughts of this old man, I noticed that he was indeed a humble person, I could not imagine him needing much, but I did not know why. He seemed content with the way he had lived, yet he was not done. He was aged, ill from his age, but his heart was strong, it could be heard in his words. I knew he was a person I should listen to, if only to help understand the one thing I doubt he would tell me: the purpose of life, of being.

"Old man", I began, " I want to listen to your words, to understand them, to better help me know why things are the way they are. I know people who hurt themselves and never learn, they have potential to be great, yet they fail to try. I know I live life, but it hurts to see these great people fail"

"You are wise beyond your years son" he winked "compassion is a trait of the gifted, something rare that is too often not found in a person." He continued, "It is what will make you a great person, but it is something you must be careful about" I looked at him oddly, not expecting and negative quality to being a compassionate person.

"I see you are confused son" he gestured "Compassion is indeed a great thing for a person to possess, but you must know that there are people that cannot be helped. Son, I do not mean that they shouldn't be helped, everyone deserves a chance at greatness, but there are people who do not know good things when they see them, who cannot recognize a helping hand if it were placed in front of them. These people deserve your compassion, but do not lose yourself in their recovery, some will simply never know. "

"Old man that is difficult to hear" I said " I like to see people happy, it is in my character to make those smile who need it. It is sad to know that these people will never experience what I have experienced. It does not seem fair to me."

"I understand son" he stated" but does it not make sense that there are people who are lost in betrayed love, who are surrounded by friends with ulterior motives, that there exist those who hurt others because they themselves are hurt?"

"Yes old man" I confirmed " I know they exist"
"Then son," the old man interrupted", you must then realize that those people, as much as a person needs to know what they should do to be happy, they will only learn from there own mistakes,if they learn at all, they cannot be guided, they will laugh as if you were naive, balk at your seemingly ignorant advice and bring you closer to losing yourself in their pain. Do not let this happen. You are good and you are better than that. Be their friend and lead by example, but lead, do not guide, and those who want to be happy, truly be happy, will take notice and change themselves without your help. It is the only way"

"Old man, is this the life that you have lead? A life of leading, a life of knowing what makes you happy" I asked,

"Yes son, I have had a good life and I know many great people who once confused themselves with a life that only brought them drama, problems no person should go through, friends who brought themselves close to insanity." He continued" You are above them, you can be the person they need, I can see it in you, that is why you are here, is that not the reason?"

"You too are wise, old man, it is true, I simply want to listen, to know of the stories before my years, to know why the things are the way they are. It is my purpose, curiosity, if you will"

"Son, you continue to surprise me, a person of your age should not know these things yet, but you have grasped them and you know what you should do, you bring hope back to me" the old man continued "As the years have passed, I have noticed people losing the gift that makes them good, relying on modern social methods to gain what they want, not what they need, and it has created a world full of people who are unsure, filled with those who think they are happy, but have never quite felt the simplicity behind happiness, to know how little is needed to be happy. They do not know that happiness is not materialistic, it is in the heart and shared with those who want it just as badly."

I had a slightly confused look again, trying to make sense of his words, it was interesting, sitting here with this old man, listening to his opinion on life, intrigued by his wisdom in speaking and his ability to explain himself.

"So old man, you still have not answered my question, why do you still live?" I asked curiously.
"It is because I am not ready to die." He answered quickly and calmly.
"It is because I have had a good life and I find solace in this place, it is filled with people who have little, but find happiness within them, it is comforting to me. I will die when I believe I have done what I have came here to do."
"And what is that old man?" I asked
"That is a question I do not know the answer to, son"

I looked at the old man, slightly pale now, I am certain I had something to do with it; he is weak, as a person of his age rightly should be. I have exhausted him, asked him questions that he used all of his energy to describe in the most genuine and heart felt manner, he needed me to know this is what his many years has taught him, no matter what the cost.

"Son?"
"Yes old man"
"You can see that I am a bit tired, but this conversation is important"
"Why is that old man, I am curious"
"It is because you must know that every person has the capacity to change the world, it exists in everyone, but it only takes one to do it. You are a good person, I do not know you well, but I am sure many people like you, you can go far, but I am certain you already know this."
"being happy is important and many people recognize it," I added" but it is not something I openly admit, it is simply something I give"
"continue life that way son, it is good for you" the old man continued" It was good for you to come here, but I must rest now, I have told you what you need to know and I know it will go a long way"

"Yes old man, I understand" I confirmed " I am glad for this visit, It was clear that you were the person I needed to speak to when I walked in here"

As I left the shelter I thought about the things I had heard that evening, about the simplicities of life and the knowledge of being. It seemed easy but I knew that is never the case. I knew things were going to change, mostly for the good, but some for the bad, and those were the things I feared most. Life changes and so do people but happiness stays in the same, simple form, and that is reassuring. This old man was rich but he had given up everything to be here, amongst these people, those who had an unquestionable capacity for happiness unrivaled in the many places around the world

The next evening, curious to speak again to the old man, I walked into the shelter, and smelled the same scent of old clothes, food and the effects of poor hygiene, as I looked for the old man, the volunteer there approached me and gave me a note from the old man the previous night that he had written before going to sleep, it read:

"Son, you know much now, but I think it what you already knew, you just needed to hear it. Live life as if you knew the meaning of life, give others a chance but don't lose yourself in their failures, remember, every person can change the world. I am tired, I have lived and it has been good, but now I can sleep forever and know it will only get better"

The Puppet: A farewell to Life from Gabriel Garcia Marquez

The Puppet: A farewell to Life from Gabriel Garcia Marquez

This poem was sent to all of his friends in the last days of his life, when he knew he would not ever see many of them again. It shows the thoughts of a person who knows what is truly important in life, it is his secret to life......


The Puppet

If for a moment God would forget that I am a rag doll and give me a scrap of life, possibly I would not say everything that I think, but I would definitely think everything that I say.

I would value things not for how much they are worth but rather for what they mean.

I would sleep little, dream more. I know that for each minute that we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.

I would walk when the others loiter; I would awaken when the others sleep.

I would listen when the others speak, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream.

If God would bestow on me a scrap of life, I would dress simply, I would throw myself flat under the sun, exposing not only my body but also my soul.

My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hatred on ice and wait for the sun to come out. With a dream of Van Gogh I would paint on the stars a poem by Benedetti, and a song by Serrat would be my serenade to the moon.

With my tears I would water the roses, to feel the pain of their thorns and the incarnated kiss of their petals...My God, if I only had a scrap of life...

I wouldn't let a single day go by without saying to people I love, that I love them.

I would convince each woman or man that they are my favourites and I would live in love with love.

I would prove to the men how mistaken they are in thinking that they no longer fall in love when they grow old--not knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love. To a child I would give wings, but I would let him learn how to fly by himself. To the old I would teach that death comes not with old age but with forgetting. I have learned so much from you men....

I have learned that everybody wants to live at the top of the mountain without realizing that true happiness lies in the way we climb the slope.

I have learned that when a newborn first squeezes his father's finger in his tiny fist, he has caught him forever.

I have learned that a man only has the right to look down on another man when it is to help him to stand up. I have learned so many things from you, but in the end most of it will be no use because when they put me inside that suitcase, unfortunately I will be dying.

The People We Meet

The People We Meet

I can only say that this was inspired by a recent chain of events that have led me to see the truths behind the words of the people we know and trust and the people I think I'd like to trust. It was simply a matter of time before this happened, something inevitable, avoidable, simply because of the many new people I meet everyday. I've made friends and understood immediately after finding out their name why I'd like to consider them friends. I've made immediate enemies, again knowing exactly why it would be best not to be associated with them. I've always been comfortable with the way I have seen people in regards to their quality of a great friendship, bragging, if you will, simply based on the great people I have around me. But I didn't expect this………

I have been doing a lot lately, but not working. I've been going out. I've been meeting friends at bars, clubs and restaurants. I've been meeting people randomly and having a laugh. I've been reading, touring the city, cleaning my house and studying. I mention all of these because it is the people I have met that have, by far, made the greatest impact on my decisions of who I want to be and where I want to go, helping me decide my place in life in 20 years, in 40 years. I always think back to that entry in my journal when I was just a child: "I don't know how I'll do it, but I'm going to change the world and it will be a better place." I wonder if my decisions are guiding me towards that understanding I shared with myself at such a young age. It's through the people I have met that have showed me how I'll do it.

I don't want to mention it, but in short, it's the one thing that separates humanity from being understanding of itself, it's what prevents unity through miscommunication and it's what prevents love by allowing us to forget who we really are. But it's the people I've met who have reminded me.

To be understood is the greatest satisfaction of all and yet for many people it's the one thing that prevents them from being the great people they are truly capable of becoming.

An intro

It always occurs to me a random times during the day, week, month or year that I thoroughly enjoy writing. Writing has been the one way I can express what I am thinking without offending anyone or waiting for the opportunity for the topic to come up, which never happens.

These are generally random thoughts that come to me at random moments, motivated by random situations, a night out at the club, a long talk with a girl, a bad night with a friend, good weather, etc. I hope that will give you an idea of the lack of purpose this blog may appear to have.

Let me tell you now, it's purpose is simply to tell a story, 90 percent of this is non-fiction, the other ten percent is me taking a shot at creative writing. My creative writing is my attempt to give a person a feeling of what I am feeling when I wrote it, the words itself were made to create that feeling, not to be a realistic story, this is how you will know me a bit better.

Please feel free to comment on everything you read, any criticism is good criticism.

Enjoy!